I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Are we there yet?…
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”