I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
You Might Also Like
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I feel seen
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.