I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Google Pay be like:
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
why no one uses midhusbands
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser