I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
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Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
haha same
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread