I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do