I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.