I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended