I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
tell em, edith-anne
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.