I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Note to self: I am a note
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!