I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Easy enough.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.