I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
getting old is fun
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.