I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Worth the read.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
our love story in four pictures
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.