@notfunnyelle my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
@xlpaws I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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@notfunnyelle 
@simoncholland Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
@BadJordon Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
@KrazykurtKurt I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
@LoveNLunchmeat I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
@scenesfromahat As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
@TheNewDomShow I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
@FlyJ_ I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
@brandomonium Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
@tastefactory *ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message