I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars