@xlpaws

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

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@notfunnyelle

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@KrazykurtKurt

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

@scenesfromahat

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@FlyJ_

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

@brandomonium

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

@tastefactory

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message