I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.