I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Salad is the decaf of food.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I only treason on days ending in y
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.