I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.