I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.