I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
In space, no one can hear…