Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
You Might Also Like
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
me: [getting stabbed]
me: [on fire]
me: [screaming for help]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*