I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
You Might Also Like
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.