@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

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@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@SadieSkyNinja

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@flashember

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?

@sixfootcandy

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

@djdarrellripley

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

@

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.