“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.