I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
me doing my best
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Tier 3 meme