I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.