I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.