I hate my earbuds.
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”