I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Isn’t
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets