i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
yeah 😭
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.