i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
You Might Also Like
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Meow
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
she has a point
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.