I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip