I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.