I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Close call…
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.