I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
You Might Also Like
when you don’t want to be too vague
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.