I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..