@Lisa_Laughs_

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

You Might Also Like

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@justabloodygame

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

@IfIwassomething

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@Sultani_Sails

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

@turbomanatee

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@TheAlexNevil

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@beefman138

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.