I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.


I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!


An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.


[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason


Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.


I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.


Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.


I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.


I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.


Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.