I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.