I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.