“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.