I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
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[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Okay me first
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.