I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}