I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.