I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
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I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Not helping
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!