I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
We’ve all been there…
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
wish me luck lads
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces