I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
You Might Also Like
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”