Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified