I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
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Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.