Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.