I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
o shit
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?