I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.