I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
But wait…