I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
This is what makes twitter great
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video