I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
So that’s what we looked like?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
A dad and his duck
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.