I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.